GOD LAUGHS AT YOUR REMIXES | VOLUME ONE: WOKE UP LOADED

What not to Pack When Invited to Your Own Funeral

(A collection of observations drawn from conversations with sundry morticians, embalmers, clairvoyants, mediums, vagabonds, and rogues, conducted in confidence by E. Jeremiah Branch and undertaken during the years 1892 through 1902 in Salem and Boston, MA, as well as Providence, RI.)

It is a curious thought, indeed, to consider one’s own departure from this mortal coil, and yet even more curious to contemplate the nature of what one might—or might not—bring along for that final journey. The following list, compiled with the assistance of the aforementioned professionals in matters funereal and metaphysical, serves as a gentle reminder that, when crossing the threshold into the Great Beyond, one might be best served by traveling light.

1. Clean Underwear
   It may seem, at first blush, a triviality—or even a matter of utmost importance—to ensure one’s undergarments are in respectable condition when invited to one’s own funeral. Yet, alas, the cold truth of mortality renders such concerns moot. Once one has been suitably prepared for the long rest, be it in a casket of polished mahogany, a humble pine box, or even a mere ceramic jar, there will arise no further need for a change of attire. Indeed, barring circumstances of a most extraordinary nature—such as the unfortunate event of a vampiric bite, a cunning ruse of feigned death, or a regrettable familial predisposition towards sudden reanimation—one’s final pair shall suffice.
2. A Toothbrush
   It is an undeniable fact that matters of dental hygiene, so persistently attended to in life, fall into complete irrelevance upon death. Decay, though it takes a more sinister turn in the hereafter, is an inevitable visitor, and no amount of scrubbing or brushing shall stave off its advances. Therefore, let the individual tend to such affairs whilst still ensconced within the realm of the living, for once departed, the need for such accoutrements vanishes with the breath itself.
3. Aspirations of Fortune and Fame
   It is a sad truth, though one must acknowledge it, that very few souls achieve fame or fortune beyond the grave. And in those rare instances where a name rises to prominence posthumously, it must be understood that such glory is not won through any active endeavor of the deceased. The quiet dignity of death bestows no further agency upon one’s legacy; it is the living who carry the burden of memory, and the living alone who shape the fate of their forebears. Therefore, it is prudent to treat one’s advocates with kindness while one still draws breath, for they shall be the custodians of any fame or fortune that may yet materialize.
4. An Attitude of Superiority
   If there be one quality most unwelcome among the deceased, it is that pernicious sense of superiority which so often plagues the living. Arrogance, hauteur, and the many shades of condescension are met with no favor in the realm of the dead. Indeed, those who cross into that dark passage with the presumption of retaining any worldly advantage—be it status, rank, or wealth—are likely to find themselves quickly disabused of such notions. The wise soul, therefore, would do well to discard any lingering sense of betterness before making that final transition, for all souls, when they reach the other side, are rendered equal in their eternal anonymity.
5. Local Currency
   In the netherworld, the vulgar exchange of coinage is not merely obsolete but entirely meaningless. Transactions, insofar as they exist, are conducted not in cash but in the more ephemeral currencies of goodwill, reputation, and the sum of one’s moral actions across successive lives. It is true that certain antiquated traditions—such as the fabled toll for the boatman’s crossing—still cling to the notion of monetary exchange, yet these are largely symbolic, vestiges of an older time. In most cases, any proffer of currency in the afterlife is not only pointless but considered gauche. One would do well to leave behind such trappings of the material world.
6. Familial Grievances
   Perhaps the most weighty of all matters to leave unresolved are those grievances and discordances which arise among family members. Once the final breath has been drawn, these grievances, if left to fester, remain as thorns in the hearts of both the living and the dead. For the departed, they become heavy chains, lingering reminders of unfinished business. For the living, they are sources of pain and regret. Thus, it is wise—indeed, imperative—to resolve such quarrels and misunderstandings before the hour of departure. Death, alas, offers no resolution, only a silence in which such matters echo endlessly.

In sum, it is a perilous and unwise venture to carry with you into the grave those things which have no place in the afterlife. Whether it be material, emotional, or spiritual encumbrances, the burden of such items only serves to weigh down the soul, which otherwise might soar unencumbered into the Great Unknown.

released October 26, 2024

Cast & Crew

With godlike impertinence, Anomaly Report soars unencumbered into the unknown.

The Electrician (Elektrikář)
The Enigma (Záhadný)
The Enthusiast (Nadšenec)
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